Brenna Hicks, LMHC – Full-time Mom, who ran a highly successful Child Therapy Private Practice; has been blogging and writing articles on Parenting since 2006. She is currently getting her PhD from the University of South Florida.
When she thought about all of the phrases, anecdotes, and sayings about the power of the spoken word she was reminded of how she changed her way of communicating with children upon learning Play Therapy principles. She realize that using Play Therapy based language is a learned and practiced skill that requires time and effort, so she thought it would be helpful to share ten commonly used phrases parents say to their kids, and the Play Therapy based alternative with a short explanation of why it is more effective.
1. No (running, hitting, yelling, fill in the verb)!
Kids hear the word “no” far too frequently (Read more about that here). You can always rephrase the sentence from a negative to a positive, which will correct the behavior without sounding critical. Train yourself to say what you want them to do instead of what you don’t. So, you can say “Walk, please” instead of “No running”.
2. Good job!
I have spent a good deal of time on articles on the difference between Praise vs. Encouragement, and this phrase is arguably the most commonly spoken praise children hear. Train yourself to respond with “You did it!” or “You got it!” or “You figured it out!”. Notice the common element is starting with the word “you” and then acknowledging what they worked at, rather than what you think about it.
3. Don’t argue with me.
Children are programmed to question, analyze and wonder about situations. This can sometimes present itself in an argumentative manner, but this is actually a normal part of development. Instead of cutting off the conversation, you can say, “I know you want my answer to be different, but it will not change”. You can also train yourself to make sure the child fully understands your response, with “I just told you my answer. Do you have a question about it?” This allows the child to present their opinion or get clarification. Either way, the child is allowed to express their thoughts or concerns and feel validated without an argument.
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